I've always wondered how they decide to add sports to the Olympics.
"Thank you for your interest, Mr. Bosh. I'm afraid that Olympic events need to have some historical basis, and, er, ferret pant stuffing doesn't have that historical weight," said Lyle Aaker, Vice Chair of the Winter Olympic Committee.
Vladamir Bosh didn't flinch. Arms crossed, he glared at the three committee members with the murderous gaze of a cold war KGB agent. A ferret's head popped out of the top of his trousers. The brown and white face wiggled its nose, then ducked back under Bosh's waistband to join its siblings scurrying up and down the Russian's pant legs.
Lyle looked at Secretary Amelia Brown for support, but Amelia made a point of re-examining Bosh's application and did not meet Lyle's gaze.
With a sigh, Lyle turned to the honorary member on his left, Heinrich Vole. In the two years Heinrich served on the committee, Lyle had heard the man speak only four times, and not a single memorable phrase.
Desperate times called for desperate measures. "Heinrich, do you have anything to add?"
The bow tied little German pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose, and said, "Perhaps this event belongs in the Summer Olympics? I know the ancient Egyptians were quite fond of ferrets, even going so far as to worship them. It seems likely they occasionally stuffed them down their, um, loincloths."
Setting aside Heinrich's confusion regarding Egyptian's affinity for cats versus ferrets, Lyle was shocked by the man's ingeniousness. Why hadn't it occurred to Lyle sooner? Turning this into the Summer Olympic Committee's problem was the perfect escape.
"I already speak to them. They said it was winter sport because ferrets have fur," Bosh said in a flat tone more menacing than any angry outburst.
Bastards Lyle thought. He would have to figure out how to get even with Vice Chair Delilah. In the meantime, he needed to deal with the angry Russian.
"What if you changed it to hairless cat stuffing? I think the Egyptians also liked cats?" Lyle asked in a desperate bid to salvage the Summer Olympics angle.
"No, must be ferrets."
"Mr. Bosh, there just isn't any classical corollary to this sport," Lyle said.
"You mean like curling?" Bosh sneered.
There was a rattle of papers on Lyle's right.
Uh oh, Lyle thought. Amelia Brown fought long and hard to get curling recognized as a winter sport, investing countless personal hours of research and politicking.
Amelia launched into her knee jerk defense. "Curling is a time honored tradition. It was originally played on the Russian steppes by the Cossaks with..."
"The decapitated heads of their enemies," Bosh finished, beaming. "Yes, I know. I have pictures of my great grandfather with his trophy and the head he swept to victory. The other picture I have is of him and the three ferrets that he kept in his pants for two days to prove his manhood. You think it is just anyone that can have a ferret in their pants? It takes guts.."
The Russian's pants ceased undulating and six little ratlike faces stared at Lyle. The rodents' lips were drawn back and he could see rows of needle like teeth.
Amelia cleared her throat. "Now that you mention it, I do recall encountering stories of Cossak's training hunting ferrets. They used them to track bear and, errr, enemies of the Czar."
The ferrets purred.Or was that a growl?
Lyle cleared his throat. "In light of this new evidence, I propose accepting Ferret Stuffing as an official Olympic sport. All in favor."
"Aye!" Heinrich and Amelia quickly exclaimed.
"Excellent, congratulations Mr. Bosh."
The Russian bowed stiffly and left.
"Who's next on the agenda?" Lyle asked.
"A Mr. Plopper. He would like to propose we make Quidditch an Olympic sport," said Amelia.
Lyle said, "From Harry Potter? That's from a work of fiction. We can't seriously consider..."
"He says he knows the Cruciatus Curse."
Lyle sighed. "Show him in."
THE END copyright 2014 John Lance
"Thank you for your interest, Mr. Bosh. I'm afraid that Olympic events need to have some historical basis, and, er, ferret pant stuffing doesn't have that historical weight," said Lyle Aaker, Vice Chair of the Winter Olympic Committee.
Vladamir Bosh didn't flinch. Arms crossed, he glared at the three committee members with the murderous gaze of a cold war KGB agent. A ferret's head popped out of the top of his trousers. The brown and white face wiggled its nose, then ducked back under Bosh's waistband to join its siblings scurrying up and down the Russian's pant legs.
Lyle looked at Secretary Amelia Brown for support, but Amelia made a point of re-examining Bosh's application and did not meet Lyle's gaze.
With a sigh, Lyle turned to the honorary member on his left, Heinrich Vole. In the two years Heinrich served on the committee, Lyle had heard the man speak only four times, and not a single memorable phrase.
Desperate times called for desperate measures. "Heinrich, do you have anything to add?"
The bow tied little German pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose, and said, "Perhaps this event belongs in the Summer Olympics? I know the ancient Egyptians were quite fond of ferrets, even going so far as to worship them. It seems likely they occasionally stuffed them down their, um, loincloths."
Setting aside Heinrich's confusion regarding Egyptian's affinity for cats versus ferrets, Lyle was shocked by the man's ingeniousness. Why hadn't it occurred to Lyle sooner? Turning this into the Summer Olympic Committee's problem was the perfect escape.
"I already speak to them. They said it was winter sport because ferrets have fur," Bosh said in a flat tone more menacing than any angry outburst.
Bastards Lyle thought. He would have to figure out how to get even with Vice Chair Delilah. In the meantime, he needed to deal with the angry Russian.
"What if you changed it to hairless cat stuffing? I think the Egyptians also liked cats?" Lyle asked in a desperate bid to salvage the Summer Olympics angle.
"No, must be ferrets."
"Mr. Bosh, there just isn't any classical corollary to this sport," Lyle said.
"You mean like curling?" Bosh sneered.
There was a rattle of papers on Lyle's right.
Uh oh, Lyle thought. Amelia Brown fought long and hard to get curling recognized as a winter sport, investing countless personal hours of research and politicking.
Amelia launched into her knee jerk defense. "Curling is a time honored tradition. It was originally played on the Russian steppes by the Cossaks with..."
"The decapitated heads of their enemies," Bosh finished, beaming. "Yes, I know. I have pictures of my great grandfather with his trophy and the head he swept to victory. The other picture I have is of him and the three ferrets that he kept in his pants for two days to prove his manhood. You think it is just anyone that can have a ferret in their pants? It takes guts.."
The Russian's pants ceased undulating and six little ratlike faces stared at Lyle. The rodents' lips were drawn back and he could see rows of needle like teeth.
Amelia cleared her throat. "Now that you mention it, I do recall encountering stories of Cossak's training hunting ferrets. They used them to track bear and, errr, enemies of the Czar."
The ferrets purred.Or was that a growl?
Lyle cleared his throat. "In light of this new evidence, I propose accepting Ferret Stuffing as an official Olympic sport. All in favor."
"Aye!" Heinrich and Amelia quickly exclaimed.
"Excellent, congratulations Mr. Bosh."
The Russian bowed stiffly and left.
"Who's next on the agenda?" Lyle asked.
"A Mr. Plopper. He would like to propose we make Quidditch an Olympic sport," said Amelia.
Lyle said, "From Harry Potter? That's from a work of fiction. We can't seriously consider..."
"He says he knows the Cruciatus Curse."
Lyle sighed. "Show him in."
THE END copyright 2014 John Lance
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